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Lindy West Embraces Polyamory After Initial Dread

Source: nytimes.com

TL;DR

Lindy West reluctantly agreed to non-monogamy with husband Aham but dreaded its reality.
Learning of Roya in 2019 sparked devastation, therapy, and a 2021 solo road trip.
The trio formed a loving triad by 2022, now thriving in a shared Seattle household.

The story at a glance

Writer Lindy West shares on the Modern Love podcast how she evolved from fearing polyamory in her marriage to embracing a triad with husband Ahamefule Oluo (Aham) and Roya. After Aham began dating Roya in 2019, West confronted deep insecurities rooted in her self-image. The episode airs amid promotion for her book Adult Braces, spotlighting non-monogamy's growing cultural debates.

Key moments & milestones

2011: Brief breakup after West's father's death and house fire; Aham, twice-divorced by 27, insists on future non-monogamy; they reconcile and marry.
2019: Aham starts dating Roya, Portland artistic director; West learns via fan text of public kiss, triggering multi-day cathartic fight.
2021: West takes month-long solo van road trip to Florida for self-discovery; learns of Roya's crush on her, sparking mutual flirtation.
July 30, 2021: On Aham's birthday, Roya visits Seattle; West meets her, they hold hands, West protects Roya at bar, trio has sex that night.
Early 2022: Publicly announce romantic triad after therapy helps West reclaim identity.
2026: Live together as three-person household, five years post-road trip.

Signature highlights

West, known from memoir Shrill, viewed herself as too low on self-esteem for non-monogamy, agreeing theoretically to be Aham's "perfect girlfriend" while avoiding emotional prep.
Roya, a "tiny, beautiful Goth" grieving her best friend, contrasted West's "big, loud" presence; monthly Portland visits gave West freeing alone time with friends.
Road trip shifted fear to curiosity: West shared underwear photo with Aham, who forwarded to Roya with consent; Roya's praise led to video call amid Seattle heat wave.
First night together felt "fun and hot"; Roya slept in West's arms, solidifying safety.
Triad brings doubled validation, shared chores like dishes, and freedom from monogamy ideals; West customizes life over chasing others' norms.

Key quotes

“I don’t want to chase an ideal that someone else made up.”

—Lindy West, on tailoring their marriage.

“It was very powerful. I was immediately like, oh, I like her a lot more, all of a sudden.”

—Lindy West, on Roya's crush.

Why it matters

Non-monogamy challenges monogamous defaults, exposing societal fears of relational change amid rising interest. For readers, it models therapy-driven growth, turning jealousy into connection for fuller partnerships. Watch West's Adult Braces book tour for deepening public discourse on polyamory's realities.