The Endless Goodbye

TL;DR

Ashley Parker recounts losing her father to frontotemporal dementia over a decade before his physical death at age 82.
Dementia amplified his quirky personality traits, like misplacing items and getting lost, while eroding his vocabulary, passion, and social warmth.
Families endure prolonged grief from watching a loved one's essence fade slowly, creating an "endless goodbye" before the end.

The story at a glance

Ashley Parker describes her father Bruce's 12-year battle with frontotemporal dementia, diagnosed at age 70 after retirement. He died on Valentine's Day this year at 82, but she grieves the man he was long before. The piece is a personal essay reflecting on family dynamics amid his decline, published soon after his death.

Key points

Bruce Jay Parker, an extroverted retiree from the National Solid Wastes Management Association, showed early dementia signs like chronic misplacing of keys, wallets, and coffee cups left on car roofs.
Frontotemporal dementia affected his behavior and language; he paid for coffee with loose change from a Ziplock bag and marveled at baristas' kindness.
His impatience and anger worsened, leading to outbursts at family events like a cousin's wedding, where he demanded to leave early.
Parker's mother Betty endured most of his frustration, once comparing communication to charades with a poor clue-giver.
He remained a devoted #GirlDad in memory, always showing up for his daughters despite quirks and epic teenage fights over essays and sports.
Over time, dementia stripped his distinctive qualities: storytelling skill, word dexterity, gregariousness.
Family clashed over care, like taking away car keys, as his decline evoked Shakespeare's "second childishness and mere oblivion."

Details and context

Parker's father was quirky even before dementia—skateboarding into a collapsed lung, walking through screen doors, turning road trips into loops across bridges. These traits intensified early on, making him "more Bruceness," but later reversed, leaving helplessness.

Dementia acted like a centrifuge, pushing extremes before erasure. The family navigated his whims, from early movie arrivals to dead-bird gifts, while mourning the man who quit smoking for his kids' births and rubbed legs during growing pains.

Frontotemporal dementia targets behavior and language centers, explaining lost words and moods. Parker fought her mother over limits like driving, feeling thrust into dual parent-child roles.

Key quotes

"It is what it is," my dad would say.
"They’re so nice. They usually just give me my coffee for free!"
"You didn’t bring a book? Your mom always brings a book."
"It was like playing charades with the world’s worst clue-giver."

Why it matters

Dementia reshapes family bonds, forcing prolonged mourning of the living. It highlights caregivers' emotional toll, especially on spouses and children balancing love, frustration, and decisions. Watch for policy on dementia care and personal planning as cases rise.